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The introspection ain't workin'

Jul. 16th, 2010 | 03:33 pm

You have to be careful with this optimistic auto suggestion shit if you have any sociopathic tendencies.

Careful when defining "what benefits you".
It should not inconvenience others when benefiting yourself.

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Why can't you just be normal?

Jul. 9th, 2010 | 06:38 pm

I should respond to you stoically with no investment in the answer.

If I could behave in a manner you deem normal, I would for both our sake's .
I didn't have another one of my turns just for the fun of it
but to be perfect honest
arguing is better than complete silence

you engross is chess land

i try to tell you completely

i race and jump from subject to subject

and you ask, "sorry, what did you say?"

that question shouldn't have any power over me...
and as far as i know, it doesn't 

(lie until it becomes truth)

we're in love

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(no subject)

Jul. 9th, 2010 | 06:30 pm
music: Gentle Giant - Octopus - Think of me with Kindness

I'm using you
as a scapegoat

but I don't really recognize this

Every commercial containing a "stereotypical nagging girlfriend" kept around for her physique
Every time a male repeats a joke he hurt from me and gets 10x the laughter
Every tme I know what's know with something
and I know how to fix it
those other females wait for the men

Then I think I'm chopped liver

I condense this brutality brought onto me on a societal level
I . . . am helpless to make any change
So I learn to hate for every they do

I have no voice in this matter
If I don't find sexism funny
I'm the elephant in the room

If I address an issue as sexist or feminist
I get reactions as though I am play a card

you're right
We're equals
should just make me laugh

If I am offended therefore I am too sensitive
Don't ever show that anything bothers you
You are always fine


because we're horrified of the idea that the other one will stop liking us

I'm stuck for now. You're creating a scenario where it's me who ends the relationship.
So that I am the villain


Do you ever personify everything you hate about women into a single one?



Honey, what happened?
Everything changed when I wanted us to be more productive
Pat I was able to help
You're as dead as my father
Little older too

You have a community
I have not

I am to do what ever I feel like without concerning myself with your feelings
well then I'm free of you

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Look at these by 5PM.

Jul. 6th, 2010 | 02:45 pm


Two 1998 Ford Explorers (one w/o hubcabs) (One without hubcabs at $900, the other is way up to $1,500)
One 1996 Ford Crown Vic (currently $1,200)

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Hedonism (unaparrent000)

Jul. 4th, 2010 | 05:54 am
mood: autopilot & truly gone fishin'
music: King Crimson - Thela Hun Ginjeet | Powered by Last.fm

Before my Dawson Creek bullshit cathartic articulation of my thoughts and feelings to a great shrink (doctor O. Blivion), there's this:


The basics: First, oil is mostly biodegradable. Some of it evaporates or breaks down with exposure to sunlight, and at least 20 types of marine bacteria plus several types of fungi can degrade what's left. Surprised to learn that bacteria eat oil? Don't be. Although oil spills from tankers and wells make the news, they account for less than 15 percent of the total petroleum entering the world's oceans, while 47 percent comes from natural oil seeps. (The rest largely comes from petroleum use.)

-- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - --

Pack camera & clothes,
Get dressed,
Talk to JD
all by 8:45AM

Managed everything (except showering) by 10:45 AM to my Mother's rather vocal dismay

From the time I entered consciousness to the time I exited for our departure,
less than 20 minutes had past.

I think it's unfair for a mistake I made while in deep REM phantasmagorical land to warrant such scolding and insults to my intelligence. When it in company of "friends", if I make stupid mistakes, she will vocalize loudly just how dumb I am and when someone else comes in and explains he moved her sun glasses so that the toddlers wouldn't grab them (as opposed to me stealing them for some mysterious reason) she'll calm down.

(I saw many children with early-onset mental illness today. She was cute but a compulsive liar and she was an unabashed kleptomaniac. Wait 'til the trichotillomania sets in; bless her "poor pea picking heart")

Twenty minutes later she'll apologize but the sting is still there.
I realize I'm not an idiot.
I realize I inevitably will make mistakes and most of them, I learn from and take something away from. (i.e. "Do not attempt to do this again")

But her temporary loathing of me and the belittlement lingers because something is not right about her being fine with unleashing that sort of blame, rage, criticizing, and the drop of a hat (filled with $5 sun glasses). Afterall, I even offered her mine. They were probably SIX dollars, so obviously superior. Her loss!

-- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - --

All that's over with. Been ingesting various intoxicants with an old friend since we returned home at 10pm. If I could actually find the bottle of 45x salvia, I would have even thrown a bit into the mix. The majority of it I've promised to smoke with my Father on our next visit. I felt to offer it was wrong, but after all, it's soon to be illegalized. It wears off quickly. He shared none of his spirits nor synthetic cannibinoids with me on my last visit, but I didn't dare cross the line to ask. Crossing the line by offering to share something rare and temporarily psychotisizing is different though. I'm a budding philantropist, you see.

I should really try to get into UT in Knoxville even though the idea of living near my father is not an especially alluring one. Both is Mother and Father passed away in the past 3 years and he lost his purpose. He broke and I worry he wants someone else to fix him.

But you can't mend those concealing their deeply rooted complacent . . .
Myself included.
(I sit now, smoking a "Swisher Sweet" cigar and thoughts of my father smoking his favored [above all else, for decades now, since he was in his 20-somethings] King Edward's wooden tipped cigarettes on a poly-daily basis and inhaling them as though they were simply cigarettes rolls through my vacant mind [as perceived by myself, wallowing in ever slight guilt over tonight's excessive narcotics pot luck dinner, but for it to be vacant is logically impossible, quod erat demonstrandum] .)

Before any of that though, if ever, I see Pat get into college. It's a duty no one was doing that I chose to take upon myself simply because it needs to be done. You must facilitate whomever you beget, but Pat's father Michael broke too. His parents are both dead as well. His father hung himself on his grandmother's birthday, which also shares the dates the Beatles broke up and TC overdosed on methadone in his house
( neither the same year, of course ).

Mike is now an older gent that exists in the same house as his son who doesn't have much of a sense of self or sense of family connection or any role models left whatsoever. Not even cartoon ones................

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I think that I don't

Jul. 3rd, 2010 | 06:38 am
music: Mojo Nixon - I Like Marijuana | Powered by Last.fm

think that I don't think
that I don't have the fortitude.
I think I have it not.

No sleep last night or tonight.
I shouldn't push myself too far
but if this is my permanent state of affairs
I should learn to continue through with plans regardless of severe sleep deprivation.

If I can
Can I?
If I can
I can'

I could
if I could
quit being
so blase
and I can
because I can
quit being
so blase
because I'm a driver. I'm a winner.

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Awake well over 24 hours now

Jul. 2nd, 2010 | 09:58 pm

Tomorrow I will be lucky to remember to:

Pack camera & clothes,
Get dressed,
Talk to JD
all by 8:45AM

11 hours

I'm too exhausted to do anything right now, so I'll truncate my sleep

If I try to get to sleep right away and set the alarm for around 9, things should go as according to plan

Regardless of who flakes out and either can't come at the last moment or can't pay their way into the Quarry, I'm still going to make the best of this quasi-vacation. At least I managed to get a few people to agree to go... LOL. Christ.

Oh yeah, don't forget the tampons, bitch

-- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - --

Friday, July 02, 2010
Pat (3:06:27 PM):hi
Myself (3:17:43 PM):hi
Myself (3:18:16 PM):how's it going, pat
Pat (3:19:22 PM):i think good
Pat (3:19:39 PM):i really appreciate you, otto
Pat (3:19:55 PM):you care far more for me than whitney ever did
Pat(3:19:56 PM):i thank you
Pat (3:20:02 PM):i wish i could return the kindness
Pat (3:20:06 PM):i will given the opportunity
Myself (3:20:27 PM):thank you for recognizing that LOL
Pat(3:20:41 PM):i have
Pat (3:20:48 PM):just haven't been clear of thought
Pat (3:21:48 PM):i have nothing to wear
Pat (3:21:54 PM):im going to faggot nerds houses
Pat(3:21:58 PM):should i wear a bathrobe?
Myself  (3:22:10 PM):go for it
Myself  (3:23:48 PM):i really want to help facilitate your academic/financial/whatever sort of growth that you haven't previously been given opportunities for
Myself (3:23:53 PM):you need a little help
Myself (3:23:56 PM):that's all
Myself (3:24:17 PM):you're not crippled but need some facilitation for getting started
Myself (3:25:21 PM):you are your dad went over math stuff before the GED?
Myself (3:25:29 PM):he said you guys studied some
Myself (3:25:43 PM):i was pretty suprised
Pat (3:25:46 PM):yes
Pat (3:25:51 PM):i just did
Pat (3:25:53 PM):half asses
Pat (3:25:56 PM):last 4 hour math stuff
Myself (3:25:59 PM):usually he's not on board with plans i sugesst after i leave
Pat (3:26:04 PM):coz i realized i would do so bad

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I am happy with what I have to be happy with

Jul. 2nd, 2010 | 01:33 pm
location: hub for the wheel'd universe
mood: improved [by design]
music: Moondog - Gygg

because I have to be happy with what I have to be happy with.
I have to be happy with what I have.
To be happy with what I have
is saddening.

It is saddening because I have to be happy with
what I have to be happy with
which is saddening.
I have to be.
With what I have,
I have to be happy.

If I surmount my own will
is it of my own will
to surmount my natural will
which would not possess volition
and instead act upon unchosen choices
and flow out with the tide
like a primitive autotrophic lifeform?

I do tilt be head whenever thinking
but I don't think whenever I tilt my head
and it isn't toward to sun
but it may as well be, at this rate
with wax wings.

I'm a winner. I can feel it.
I am good. I do no wrong.
My choices are good because I am good.
I will succeed because I know I will be successful.

Who shoves who around in the cranium?
Did I chose to read R. D. Laing's KNOTS tonight?
Do I choose anything I desire?
I did not choose heterosexuality.
I did not choose for sex, drugs, food, nor gambling to release dopamine in the reward center of my brain. It did not choose to do this to me. It has no volition, for it has no neurons of its own to frequently question whether that shove it around or vice versa.

There is no answer until I choose it.
I'll choose I shove the neurotransmitters in the brain around.
I am completely responsible for every aspect of myself and my life.
The last statement was false.
I am partially not responsible for aspects of my psyche, childhood, or socio-economic situation.

What I have no control of
I shall not concern myself with
because it's a fruitless endeavor to concern myself with
controlling something I cannot control.

But it's "ME" choosing what synapses to fire. I shove them around in the careenium!

It's better to say the Grand Cayon's cracked. You're trying to be a puny individual.

Life is your apprehension of it,
and you can choose to be as big or as small as you'd like.

Life is my apprehension of it.
I have control
and am choosing
for life to be my apprehension of it.

“Listen! The world only exists in your eyes -- your conception of it."

-- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - --

Song of Myself

I have said that the soul is not more than the body,
And I have said that the body is not more than the soul,
And nothing, not God, is greater to one than one's self is,
And whoever walks a furlong without sympathy walks to his own
funeral drest in his shroud,
And I or you pocketless of a dime may purchase the pick of the
And to glance with an eye or show a bean in its pod confounds the
learning of all times,
And there is no trade or employment but the young man following it
may become a hero,
And there is no object so soft but it makes a hub for the wheel'd
And I say to any man or woman, Let your soul stand cool and composed
before a million universes.

And I say to mankind, Be not curious about God,
For I who am curious about each am not curious about God,
(No array of terms can say how much I am at peace about God and
about death.)

I hear and behold God in every object, yet understand God not in the
Nor do I understand who there can be more wonderful than myself.

Why should I wish to see God better than this day?
I see something of God each hour of the twenty-four, and each moment
In the faces of men and women I see God, and in my own face in the
I find letters from God dropt in the street, and every one is sign'd
by God's name,
And I leave them where they are, for I know that wheresoe'er I go,
Others will punctually come for ever and ever.

--Walt Whitman

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Why am I awake? Is this of my own volition? Guess so

Jul. 2nd, 2010 | 03:27 am
location: Local Group, Milky Way
mood: lonelylonely
music: The Tempations - Papa Was A Rollin' Stone

Hubbard Disbanding, eh? That was my CAPTCHA -- must have meant something totally deep that flies way over my head.

-- - -- - -- - --

The Coué method (or "optimistic autosuggestion"):

Underlying principles:

Émile Coué de Châtaigneraie (February 26, 1857 – July 2, 1926) developed a method which relied on the principle that any idea exclusively occupying the mind turns into reality, although only to the extent that the idea is within the realms of possibility. For instance, a person without hands will not be able to make them grow back. However, if a person firmly believes that his or her asthma is disappearing, then this may actually happen, as far as the body is actually able to physically overcome or control the illness. On the other hand, thinking negatively about the illness (ex. "I am not feeling well") will encourage both mind and body to accept this thought. Likewise, when someone cannot remember a name, they will probably not be able to recall it as long as they hold onto this idea (i.e. "I can't remember") in their mind. Coué realised that it is better to focus on and imagine the desired, positive results (i.e. "I feel healthy and energetic" and "I can remember clearly").


Coué observed that the main obstacle to autosuggestion was willpower. For the method to work, the patient must refrain from making any independent judgment, meaning that he must not let his will impose its own views on positive ideas. Everything must thus be done to ensure that the positive "autosuggestive" idea is consciously accepted by the patient, otherwise one may end up getting the opposite effect of what is desired.

For example, when a student has forgotten an answer to a question in an exam, he will likely think something such as "I have forgotten the answer". The more he or she tries to think of it, the more the answer becomes blurred and obscured. However, if this negative thought is replaced with a more positive one ("No need to worry, it will come back to me"), the chances that the student will come to remember the answer will increase.

Coué noted that young children always applied his method perfectly, as they lacked the willpower that remained present among adults. When he instructed a child by saying "clasp your hands and you can't open them", the child would thus immediately follow.


A patient's problems are likely to increase when his willpower and imagination (or mental ideas) are opposing each other, something Coué would refer to as "self-conflict". In the student's case, the will to succeed is clearly incompatible with his thought of being incapable of remembering his answers. As the conflict intensifies, so does the problem: the more the patient tries to sleep, the more he becomes awake. The more a patient tries to stop smoking, the more he smokes. The patient must thus abandon his willpower and instead put more focus on his imaginative power in order to fully succeed with his cure.


C. (Cyrus) Harry Brooks (1890-1951), author of various books on Coué, claimed the success rate of his method was around 93%. The remaining 7% of people would include those who were too skeptical of Coué's approach and those who refused to recognize it.

Medicines and autosuggestion:

The use of autosuggestion is intended to complement use of medicine, but no medication of Coué's time could save a patient from depression or tension. Coué recommended that patients take medicines with the confidence that they would be completely cured very soon, and healing would be optimal. Conversely, he contended, patients who are skeptical of a medicine would find it least effective.

Tous les jours à tous points de vue je vais de mieux en mieux

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